


Don't Be Surprised If I Love You

by Underwater_Alien



Category: Camp Camp (Web Series)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, cuteness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-10
Updated: 2018-11-17
Packaged: 2019-06-24 17:47:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15635655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Underwater_Alien/pseuds/Underwater_Alien
Summary: Neil finds out that Max hasn't been sleeping, and he is determined to get to the bottom of it.





	1. Weird.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I really don't know how this whole format works since this is the first time I'm posting but I write when I'm feeling emotions in the middle of the night and so here we are. Enjoy I guess :)

        The first time it happened, I didn't notice. The first ten or eleven times, actually. Oddly enough, in the end it was Nikki who brought the matter to my attention one morning, over a cheap plastic tray of soggy bacon and what I assumed to be eggs.

        “I don't know, don't you think Max has been kind of.. spacey lately?” She punctuated the sentence by stabbing her fork disinterestedly at her plate. “No pun intended, of course.”

        I laughed, glancing over at where Max and space kid were standing, apparently deeply engrossed in a conversation about the depleting ozone layer. At least, that was what I thought, until I heard Max swear loudly and walk away to grab his breakfast. Classic Max.

        “I guess he has been a little off these last few days…” I trailed off.

        “That's what I'm saying!” Nikki thumped her fork on the table. “Something's not right.”

        We both sat still for a moment, and I knew Nikki well enough to know that she was thinking the exact same thing as me. We had two options. Confront Max about it, and inevitably get cursed out, possibly damaging Max's trust in us forever, or leave the whole thing alone and hope he figured it out on his own. Currently, I was leaning towards the latter, but I assured myself that was only because today was science camp day, and David had promised me I could show off my studies on archimedes’ principle. And there was no way I was jeopardizing that.

 

        “What's up with you two? You look like you just watched someone die.” The familiar weight of Max’s body landed solidly on the bench beside me as he slid his tray into place, smirking slightly. Nikki raised her stare to meet his and grinned.

        “Well we were just-”

        “--just talking about how exciting my presentation is going to be today.” I said, interrupting. I flashed her a look. She swallowed. She got it.

        “Yeah.. archipelago and stuff. Very exciting.”

        “Archimedes,” I corrected stiffly, preparing to launch into a lecture on buoyancy, when Max's head jerked up suddenly.

        “Guys, what the fuck is that?”  
I turned, and was immediately smacked dead in the face by a packet of astronaut ice cream. Nurf had space kid by the suit and was swinging him around in circles in the center of the dining hall, sending trinkets flying everywhere. Nikki snorted with laughter at my stunned expression, but Max was still glaring at something over my shoulder.  
        “No, dipshits. _That_.”

        I followed his gaze, and nearly gasped. The head of some enormous, grotesque fish had been haphazardly mounted to the far wall with a couple of rusty nails. No plaque, no headboard, just a rotting, fly-covered corpse staring blankly down at all of us.

        “Ew, god,” I recoiled. Nikki, on the other hand, seemed thrilled.

        “Cool! I wonder who killed it?” She raved.

        “Does it matter? It's disgusting,” Max retorted. Nikki nodded, still wide-eyed.

        “You're right, I bet it was quartermaster.”

        No one could deny that the piece had the old man’s name written all over it. Only he would display something so repulsive. I looked back at it again, oddly fascinated with it's gaping maw, but immediately regretted it. Something was crawling in its left eyeball.

        “Suddenly I'm not very hungry,” I muttered, pushing away my plate in repulsion. Nikki wasted no time in digging into my rejected meal eagerly.

        “Your loss,” she said in between bites. I glanced up at Max, who had gone back to his food. My eyes lingered on his features, a little too long, and after a moment I became painfully aware of the heat rising in my cheeks the more I stared. But I couldn't help it- Max just made me feel.. weird.

  
        **Weird**.

  
        I was suddenly, unexpectedly, hit by the oddly vivid memory of my father, staring down at my much younger self as we walked through the house. He was straightening his white-and-blue striped tie, and I was nervously padding around his ankles, going on about the boy from my summer camp. The one with the caramel-colored hair, the one that smelled like pine trees and always looked at me like he couldn't get enough. I still remembered him.

        “Stop obsessing over this boy, Neil,” my father had said. “You’re starting to worry the neighbors. They think you're _weird_.”

 

       I was stunned for a good while, unable to find words. The way he'd said that last part had never stopped echoing in my head since that day. It had been my first wake-up call, my first realization that the rest of the world did not understand or accept the way I was. My first lesson that I would either have to change, or pretend to. One could easily guess which option I eventually chose, and thanks to the acting skills of a good female friend, throughout the next few years of school, I actually had my dad believing I had a girlfriend. Thinking of it now made me sick.

        “Hey. Idiot. You coming or not?”  
I shook myself out of my thoughts, embarrassed. If there was anything I liked about Max, it definitely was not the way he talked to me. His interpersonal skills were rough, to say the least.

        “Sorry, what?”

        “The activities field,” he sighed impatiently. “You coming?”

        “Yeah! Yeah, I'm.. of course!” I piped up, clumsily standing and bumping my knees on the table as I went. Max rolled his eyes and made for the door, and Nikki sidled up beside me as I followed.

        “Your face is bright red,” she said under her breath. I squealed quietly.

        “Really?”

        “Like a tomato,” she giggled. I groaned, pushing open the reluctant screen door. Why did I have to be so awkward all the time? Not for the first time, I just wished science had the answers. Life would be so much simpler if all I had to do was down a beaker of chemicals and suddenly possess the coolness that radiated from someone like Ered’s very being.

        We crossed the wide lawns of the camp together, Nikki and I starting to fall behind as Max picked up his pace. My sneakers sank into the soft ground ever so slightly with each step, gathering dew and pieces of wet grass as I walked. Someone must have mowed recently, I supposed. It was quiet for a while, the three of us settling into a comfortable silence as we allowed ourselves to just take in the atmosphere of the camp. Birds trilled peacefully in the distant treetops, and there was a chill to the air around us, as was to be expected so early in the morning. I was glad to have my sweater.

        I watched Nikki as she gazed dreamily up at the sky, wondering what she could be thinking about, and whether she saw anything in those clouds. But past her, I saw Max, already standing on the edge of the field, waiting. I mentally prepared myself to be calm, collected, and cool as I approached.

        “What the hell took you nerds so long?” Max finally broke the silence as Nikki and I descended the last few feet of grassy hill.

        “Hey! I'll show you who's a nerd,” Nikki said playfully, approaching Max, ready to spring. Something in me panicked, seeing the two of them so close, and I hurriedly interjected.

        “Uhm, if I may.” My voice cracked when I said this. Smooth. “Why are we here, Max?”

        “Everyone else will be coming in a minute, I just didn't want to deal with any more of David's stupid stories on the walk over here,” Max said simply.

        And as if on schedule, the familiar sound of David’s voice began echoing off of the surrounding trees, getting closer by the second.

        “But that was nothing compared to the time I actually _did_ end up spending the night in a tree…” He was recounting, excitedly leading the less-than-enthusiastic campers over to where Nikki, Max, and I were standing. His co-counselor, Gwen, was also with the group, but seemed to be dragging her feet more than anyone. I didn't doubt she would rather be literally anywhere else.

        “Oh, darn,” David said as they arrived, “I guess I'll have to save that story for another time.” Several campers breathed an audible sigh of relief. It was comical, really, the way David always managed to carry on, unbothered, no matter how obviously no one wanted to listen to him. Except maybe space kid. Everything was interesting to space kid.

        While David launched into his speech about the day's activities, however, I looked over at Max. He seemed to be doing okay, but, to be fair, he always did.

        “Neil,” he whispered from the corner of his mouth. “Why are you staring at me?”

        I went stiff. Even though the tone of his voice didn't indicate that he was angry, instinct told me to run.

        “I don’t- I wasn't-” I was floundering. I mentally kicked myself for not being able to concoct a lie. “I don't know. I'm sorry.” I hoped Max couldn't see how pathetic I felt at the moment. And the cherry on top of this whole mess? I was blushing again. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

        “It's okay,” Max offered weakly. All I could do was stare at my shoes, willing the redness to leave my face. I was grateful for Max's effort, and I almost managed to convince myself that he would eventually forget the whole thing and move on. Almost.

~~~

        The second time it happened, I was there. Lying wide-eyed in the late night stillness, waist-deep in thought, I was there to hear the rustling of bedsheets beside me, and the click of a dim flashlight switching on, roving the tent floor to guide Max’s feet as he shuffled quietly out. And I was there when Max's shadowy figure paused in the doorway, looking back at where I was laying, feigning sleep as best I could, before sighing deeply and stepping out into the cold night air. And I would be damned if I didn't immediately bring this information to Nikki.

        I pulled on my sweater and dragged myself out of bed, the rusty old mattress springs groaning slightly in protest. Socks, then shoes, and finally I was making my way to the tent’s doorway, shaky and nervous. Neither of which were out of the ordinary for me, unfortunately. And with one final deep breath, and a glance back at the empty tent, I slipped out and was gone.


	2. Lake Lilac

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finished writing this during my break at work today so... Anyway love you all thank you sm for reading my stupid thing have a good day

       All I saw was inky blackness as I stumbled out into the night. My feet felt the soft grass underneath, and I could smell the dying embers of a campfire in the air, but my hands touched nothing. It was an almost dreamlike experience, feeling my way slowly along the ground, searching for Nikki’s tent. Like something out of a movie. I prayed it wasn't going to be a horror movie.

       “Neil?”

        I jumped, barely containing a high-pitched scream.

       “Neil! Calm down, it's just me.”

       I turned slowly. Was that…?

       “Oh my God! Nikki!”

       The green-haired girl’s silhouette was approaching me carefully from one of the tents. My heart was pounding in my chest, left-over shock from hearing her voice so suddenly in the middle of the night. I heard her breath in the still silence as she got closer. It was steady. Calm.

       “What are you doing out here?” She asked in a half-whisper.

       “You were right about Max,” I explained, trying to hide how out of breath I was. “He just up and left the tent a couple minutes ago, and he took our only flashlight.”

       Nikki was quiet for a moment, but it wasn't long before I felt her warm hand close firmly around my wrist as she spoke again.

       “Follow me.”

       And before I could object, we were off. Nikki pulling me by the arm, me staying close behind, shaking with fear. I felt myself tensing up, ready to be hit by something, anything, at any moment. I couldn't think straight. A million thoughts raced through my head as we went, few of which were really coherent enough to be formed into sentences.

       “How are you doing this?” I managed, between gasps of breath. As I said this, I noticed the ground beneath us change abruptly from grass to hard dirt and dead leaves, and I realized with slight apprehension that we were entering the forest.

       “I can see in the dark,” Nikki said simply. “One of the many advantages of being so in tune with nature. Branch!” She ducked, so quickly I couldn't have hoped to keep up, even in daylight. A low-hanging branch hit my forehead, and I cursed under my breath.

       “God damn it, Nikki, can't we go a little bit slower?”

       I held my free hand to the scratch, feeling blood pool on my palm. Nikki didn't respond, instead stopping suddenly and whipping a hand out to block my fall.

       “Shhhh…”

       I found my balance, so shocked for a moment that I didn't even bother saying anything in retort. But once Nikki began creeping along again, I found myself indignant and somewhat annoyed at having been dragged all the way out into the forest for so far no payoff.

       “Nikki, I swear-” I began, before feeling a hand suddenly clap over my mouth. I went to say more, but it was then that I saw what she must have been trying to tell me. There he was, about a hundred feet in front of us, just visible between tangles of darkened branches. Max.

       I nodded, to indicate Nikki that I understood. I followed as she cautiously crept along, the two of us somehow miraculously going unheard by Max. After a minute or two, we stopped. I took this to mean we were close enough.

       Max made no sound at first, simply staring out at the gently lapping waters of Lake Lilac as he sat. I was struck by the realization that this must have been where the lake got its name; its surface shimmered in the moonlight, reflections giving off a soft purple color. It was beautiful. No wonder Max came here to think.

       A small sniff. My ears perked up. It couldn't be… was Max… crying? He reached up with one sweatshirt sleeve to wipe his face, and my jaw dropped. So it was true. He did have emotions.

       I would have laughed if the moment hadn't felt so uncomfortably personal. If I was being honest, it felt wrong for Nikki and I to be there at all, and the longer we stood watching Max break down, the more this feeling intensified. I took a deep breath.

       “Nikki, we have to go.”

 

~~~

 

       I shook off my dirt-covered sneakers and climbed into my cold bed, my eyes heavy, and before I knew I was even asleep, a hand was on my shoulder shaking me awake.

       “Neil! Wake the fuck up already!”

       I blinked slowly, allowing dull pain to work its way through every inch of my body as I lay. The tent was bathed in a warm morning light, the shadows of tree branches overhead dancing back and forth on the walls. Max was standing beside my bed, steaming coffee mug in hand, and looking as bad-tempered as ever.

       “Well good morning to you too,” I muttered, wondering if he felt as sore and sluggish as I did from getting so little sleep. Of course, I wasn't about to ask.

       “Yeah, whatever. I'm going to breakfast. You coming?”

       I nodded, watching him take a sip of his coffee as I sat up. Max’s caffeine dependency made sense now, I realized. In fact, every aspect of his personality was slowly starting to fall into place, the more I paid attention. Even the way he walked as we made our way to the mess hall, dragging his feet slightly. Fascinating.

       Nikki met up with us inside, wasting no time motioning us over to our usual table once we'd grabbed our trays. Today's breakfast looked even less appetizing than the previous day's, if that was possible.

       “So I'm thinking a couple near-death experiences and maybe a murder mystery today,” Nikki began, picking up a piece of bacon with her fork. “What do you guys think?”

       She looked up at Max and I expectantly, but Max didn't respond. I just shrugged, secretly hoping neither of those things would happen and that maybe for once we could just have a normal day at Camp Campbell.

       No such luck.

       “Neil!” Preston yelled, suddenly appearing beside us. He slammed a playbill down on the table with one fist and raised the other in a dramatic gesture. “I have just written my best play yet! And I want _you_ to be my star!”

      Perfect, I thought. Because more stress was _exactly_ what I needed just then.

       “Preston…” I sighed.

       “Great! I knew you'd be perfect for the role, Neil. Here’s your script, and I'll see you backstage in fifteen for rehearsals!”

       And with that, Preston was scampering away, undoubtedly chasing down his next actor. I didn't even get the chance to flip him off. I sighed again, and looked down at the script he'd left in front of me on the table.

       “‘Neilosicus the Evil stabs the innocent girl, sending blood flying everywhere’…” Nikki began reading over my shoulder. Her eyes were wide, and lit up like a Christmas tree. “Ooh! And then you say, 'I have stabbed you. And you are dying.’” She said this last part in what I assumed to be her impression of me, and I was only slightly offended at how squeaky and high-pitched she sounded.

       “Jesus,” Max interjected, “it sounds terrible.” I flashed a slightly pained smile in response.

       “Yep, so nothing different for Preston.”

       He laughed at this comment, and I had to fight to ignore the nervous butterflies that filled me at that sound. It wasn't often that Max genuinely smiled or truly enjoyed something, so I was definitely proud to be the reason for one of those times.

       “Yeah, but I'm kind of offended he didn't offer either of _us_ roles in the play,” Nikki said. She was still flipping through Preston's script beside me at the table, and from the looks of it, the rest of my actions were going to be equally as cringe-worthy as the stabbing scene.

      “Why? I would rather die than act in another one of Preston's shitty plays,” Max retorted.

      “But we were so good in the last one!” Nikki said proudly. “Well, _I_ was. You just stole David's phone and got him in trouble with the law…”

       My eyes wandered as she trailed off, and landed on the far side of the mess hall, where I saw Preston waving impatiently at me, gesturing towards the door. I hoped he could see me rolling my eyes. Looking back at my friends, I could immediately tell that Max was about to start defending himself, but I stood up hurriedly and cut in before he could speak.

       “Sorry guys, I have to go.”

 

       When we arrived at the stage, I very nearly collapsed on the grass right then and there. I felt like shit. My eyes felt heavy, and all I could think about was just laying down somewhere. Anywhere. And when Preston led the other actors and I backstage, I saw my opening.

       Preston, of course, was going on and on about some aspect of his play that I couldn't care less about, and I was slowly making my way to the back of the group, out of his line of sight. My eyes were on a pile of costumes that lay in a darkened corner, away from where the others were walking. And as bad as I felt about ditching Preston, I couldn't deny how tired I felt anymore. Besides, I promised myself, it would only be for a minute or two. Yes, I thought as I crossed the floor quietly and settled into the soft material, I was only going to rest my eyes….

 

~~~

 

       And for the second time that day, I found myself being shaken awake by a pair of familiar hands. It was unmistakably gentler this time, however. I was pleasantly surprised.

       “Neil!” Max whispered. “For fuck’s sake…” I considered feigning sleep for a moment, just to fully process the feeling of being held by him, but ultimately realized that was probably creepy and decided against it.

       “Mmph. What?” I mumbled.

       Seeing me open my eyes, Max pulled back and sat facing me on the wooden floor. It was unfortunately too dim to tell, but I could have sworn I saw a slight blush across his cheeks. It took him a moment to speak again, and when he did I noticed with disappointment that he, unlike me, was completely calm and collected.

       “You fell asleep, you idiot. Preston's been looking for you everywhere.”

       “Yeah, sorry, I don't know why I did that,” I lied weakly. “I, uh… did- did I miss rehearsals?” God, I embarrassed myself.

        “Yeah, but don't worry about it. The play is stupid anyway.”

       

       My heart was pounding, my palms starting to feel oddly sweaty, and my brain going a mile a minute, but after a few minutes of Max and I sitting on that dusty floor, neither of us really having anything to say, I started to enjoy the comfortable silence. It felt good, I thought, not being pressured to think of the right thing to say, not worrying about if my voice would betray me when it came out. It felt good to just relax for once. I leaned back and looked up at the ceiling, admiring the way the windows cast light at odd angles along the lofty wooden beams overhead. Max did the same, looking lost in thought, and I occasionally stole glances at him. He was making me feel weird again. My stomach did a backflip.

       “Hey Max?”

       “Yeah?”

       “Why did you come find me, anyway?”

       “I dunno, I guess I was… worried?”

       “Oh.”

       Now it was his turn to be awkward, I supposed. He crossed his arms over his folded-up knees, looking much like he would rather be hiding. I knew that feeling. But I didn’t say anything else, lest I risk overstepping a boundary or accidentally talking about my feelings. So I remained quiet, eyes roving the cobweb-covered walls, privately resolving to stay up late once again that night. Just one more time.


	3. Nightmare

       White walls, infinitely wide and long, fading seamlessly into a white floor. Nothing around me, nothing I could touch, not even the ground. I was floating in a white room, alone, unable to do anything but look around helplessly. No matter where I Iooked, nothing changed. The brightness was blinding. I tried to scream, but it came out a breathless, strangled sound. 

       “Help…a-anyone..” I breathed. What was stopping my lungs from functioning properly? “Plea...se…”

       My chest was tight as I forced out what little sound I could. I was then suddenly aware of the enormous bruises forming slowly all over me, crawling their way up my arms and legs, spreading across my face like a mask. This must have been what ivy-covered walls felt like, I thought. I was turning a hideous shade of purplish-green, still just staring wide-eyed at it all, doing nothing. Then I fell. Fell, like a puppet with its strings cut, and never hit the ground. As if the first half of the events hadn't been traumatizing enough, there I was, falling through unending white space, purple and gasping for air. 

       And that was when I woke up.

 

       It had been a long time since I had been this shaky and disoriented, and honestly slightly nauseous. Covered in a cold sweat and just starting to process where I was, I opened my eyes and saw the beige tent roof above me, and breathed a deep sigh of relief. It was okay, I was okay. Everything was fine.

       I was still catching my breath, however, when I heard a rustling sound from the  entrance of the tent, and it sent my heart racing again. I sat up, rigid with fear, straining to listen for more sounds. I couldn't help but rapidly picture every possible thing that could be outside that door, which included everything from a black bear to a towering three-headed hellhound. But, being a man of science, I rationalized the situation. Surely it was nothing but the wind. Or a harmless forest creature passing by. If I started to believe in all the crazy monsters my brain invented, I would be no better than the idiots I was having to suffer through this poor excuse of a summer camp with. So I steadied my breathing and prepared myself for whatever was about to come through that door.

       Max jumped. I jumped. Nobody screamed, though I would have if my throat hadn't been so dry. I recalled Max saying at one point that he was difficult to scare, and as it turned out he had been telling the truth.

       “Shit, dude,” he said, just standing in the opening for a moment before seeing a mosquito fly in and closing the tent behind him.

       “Max…” I breathed a sigh of relief. Of course it was him. Who else would it be?

       “Yeah, I heard screaming a minute ago… was that you?” I swallowed. It must have been me. I must have been screaming in my sleep- as if I needed another reason to be embarrassed and awkward in front of Max.

      “I guess it was. Sorry, I just had a weird dream and- never mind. I'm sorry.” 

       I was avoiding eye contact now, staring at my hands, which were nervously playing with the bedsheet in my lap. Heat was rising in my face the way it always did when I was around him. I thanked God for the darkness preventing Max from seeing my cheeks flush red. Part of me was secretly hoping he would ask about my dream, and carry on the conversation, but Max seemed not to know how to respond to this, so he didn't. He made his way silently to bed, then pulled off his sweatshirt and slipped under the covers, facing away from me. I heard the buzz of cicadas fill the silence like white noise.

       “So what are you doing up?” I asked, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible. He didn't answer for a moment, making me terrified that I'd offended him in some way, but eventually the answer came. It was soft, weak, and distinctly un-Max-like, but I heard it clear as day.

       “Don't worry about it. Get some sleep.”

 

~~~

       I brought another forkful of eggs to my mouth, staring at the grain of the wooden wall in front of me like it was TV. The eggs were bland, and a little too watery for my taste, but I wasn't thinking about breakfast. I couldn't stop replaying the events of last night over and over in my head, picturing Max’s silhouette in the entrance of the tent, and the way he'd said those last words to me. He'd sounded so… broken.

       “Um, Neil?” Nikki was squinting at me, confused. “I was asking if you saw anything last night?” My head snapped up, jolted back to reality.

       “Uh, no. No I didn't,” I lied quickly. I didn't know why, but I didn't want to tell Nikki about last night. I promised myself I'd tell her later. “Why? Did you see something?” 

       She grinned.

       “Yep! I watched him the whole time.” She was referring to Max, of course. I took it that she had stayed up once again last night to see where he'd gone. “Just sat by the lake again and stared. He might've been crying, but it was too dark to tell.”

       She bit into a piece of bacon, clearly unbothered, but the way she’d said all this turned my stomach. It was too matter-of-fact, like she was just studying an animal in nature.

       “Nikki, he's an actual human being.” I may have sounded a tad angry in the moment, but so what.

       “I know that!” She was indignant. “Besides, you do know the whole reason I'm doing this is for you, right?”

       I was thoroughly taken aback.

       “You- what?”

       “I mean, you obviously have a thing for him!” And there was the blush again.

       “No I don't! And keep your voice down!” I was half whispering, half shouting. I was positive my lack of composure wasn't helping my case at all.

       “Fine, whatever. Deny it. But you need to confront Max about this at some point.” 

        The very thought of doing such a thing was starting to make me hyperventilate.

       “Oh no. No, no, no. Why can't you?” The room was spinning.

       “Because. You're his best friend, Neil. He trusts you more because you're guys! Sit him down and have a man-to-man talk. Ask him why he hasn't been sleeping, and, you know, try to help I guess.” She shrugged. How was she so level-headed and mature all of a sudden? And this whole time I'd been thinking that she was only in it for the adventures. 

       “There's no way. I can't do that, Nikki, you know that! I wouldn't even know what to say!” 

       A door slammed shut on the other side of the mess hall. The bathroom door.

       “He's coming,” Nikki said, confirming what I already knew. “Just… promise me, Neil. Promise you'll ask him.” Our eyes locked. The seconds ticked by, my opportunity to finish the conversation slipping away rapidly as Max's footsteps approached.

       “I… I…”

       He was ten feet away.

       Then five.

       Then two.

       “Fine,” I said. “I’ll do it.”


	4. Guts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things escalate.

        “Do what?”

        Max slid onto the bench beside me and picked up his plastic fork like nothing had happened. I knew it had only been a few minutes at most, but the time between Max leaving the table and returning had felt like years, and my head was still reeling.

       “Oh, hi Max!” Nikki chirped. But a pause followed her words, where Max's question hung in the air like a raincloud, threatening to pour. Neither of us seemed to have an answer, and I tried desperately to come up with some sort of excuse, but as bad as I was at lying, I knew Nikki was worse. I just prayed that she wouldn't say something stupid.

       “Neil has to talk to you about something!” She shouted suddenly.

       And there were my plans, out the window.

       “But, uh… later,” she added, after realizing I was glaring at her menacingly.

       Damn right.

       I didn't feel even remotely prepared to have this discussion with Max, and now, because of Nikki's outburst, it was going to be even more awkward. I imagined that giving him this much advance notice would only result in him carefully planning responses that he would use on me later that night when I actually did bring it up, and that kind of guarded behavior wasn't going to let us get anywhere. Leave it to Nikki to fuck things up when it really mattered.

       “What are you doing?” I hissed at her, not bothering to hide my fury as I stared.

       She shrugged, unaffected.

       “Just giving you no excuse to wimp out.”

 

~~~

 

      God, Neil. Think.

_Think._

       That was supposed to be what I was good at, wasn't it? I was supposed to be the smart one- the guy with all the answers. Right?

        I watched a flock of birds fly by overhead, squawking loudly. The sun was starting to set over the fields, and I had to admit it looked beautiful. Even if I wasn't in the mood for it. I let my head fall back and sighed.

       “Who am I if I'm not the smart one?”

       I didn't realize I was saying the words out loud until they had already left my mouth. I briefly considered the possibility that I might be having a mental breakdown.

        It was nearly nine o’clock, which meant the other campers would be getting into bed now, saying good-night to one another and settling in for the evening. And David would be making his rounds any minute now, skipping about like there was no greater thrill in life than checking for campers out of bed. I could picture his grinning face perfectly, almost hear him affectionately sending me off to my tent for the night. But I hoped against hope that I wouldn't be seeing it in real life any time soon. What would he think if he saw me right now? I must have looked like a complete and utter disaster, sat slouched against a tree trunk on the edge of the forest, alone, talking to myself. Ha.

       “Pull yourself together, Neil,” I muttered, dusting the dirt off my pants as I stood up. I’d been sitting there long enough, I told myself, and it was time to man up and face my problems head-on. I longed for advice- for someone to talk to, but no one could help me right then, not even Nikki. She'd made that clear enough. I knew I had to do this alone.

        I tramped through the grass, eyes fixed determinedly straight ahead, ignoring the rows of warmly lit tents around me that were one by one going dark. For everyone else, the day was over. But for me it was just starting.

 

        “Max?”

        His head snapped up as I entered the tent. Like he'd been waiting for me. Well, more like he'd been dreading my arrival, really. I knew he didn't want to talk, and quite frankly, neither did I, but I clung to the hope that our mutual hatred of the situation would get us through it.

       “Max,” I started again, slowly this time. “We need to talk.”

       “Okay…”

       Oh God. I had to sit on my hands to hide how much they were shaking. The bed squeaked under my weight, the sound cutting through the tense silence like a knife.

       “Well, I- I mean we- That is, Nikki and I…”

       Why couldn't I speak? Max just stared, his gaze careful and calculated. Violently neutral.

        “Did Nikki tell you what to say? Did David?” He demanded, before I could go any further. There was an unmistakable air of distrust and anxiety in his voice. Good, I thought. That made two of us. But admittedly it did hurt a little bit to see him look at me like that; almost like he was expecting me to be angry.

        “No! They didn't. I wish they had, though, because I have absolutely no clue how to start,” I confessed, still tripping over my words.

        It was beginning to really freak me out, the way he was staring. I wished he would say something, or react in some way, but he didn't. I was just fumbling around in the dark here.

        I started again, trying and failing to explain myself, feeling like more and more of an idiot the more I rambled. I told him that it was important for us to be honest with each other, because we were friends  and because I cared about him. Or, at least, that's what I was trying to say. It may not have come out right when I said it, I had no idea.

       My eyes darted around the tent, refusing to look directly at Max because I couldn't bear to see his expression as I talked. But I couldn't help myself from stealing glances every few moments. And though I wasn't saying anything mean, I couldn't place why, but I felt oddly guilty. Until it hit me. He'd seen it all before. And he didn't believe me.

        “Fuck off,” he said quietly.

        “What?”

        “I said fuck off.”

        He thrust his hands into his hoodie pocket and glared at the floor. Apparently something I'd said had rubbed him the wrong way.

        “Max, I'm only trying to help…”

        “Will you shut up already?”

        I blanched.

        “There's no need to shout.”

        “Stop pretending like you care! I'm fucking sick of it! Everyone acts like they want to help, but they don't. Not really.”

        I was starting to get it. This had to do with his parents, didn't it? What had I done? Had I taken it too far?

        “I'm sick and tired of assholes like you using me to feed your own fucking ego so you can do your idiotic charity work. You don't care about me, you're just selfish and arrogant!”

         He had worked himself up at this point, and his voice had been steadily rising until he all but screamed this last line at me. All the while I was cowering on my bed, completely unsure of what to do next.

         “I...I didn't realize that was how you felt.” I swallowed, ready for his next move.

       “Shut up, Neil,” he spat. “This is why you don't have any fucking friends.”

 

        Ouch. The line hit me like an arrow in the chest, and I was lost for words.

         “I'm going to bed. I'm done talking.”

        He seemed to think the conversation was over, as he turned away and slid into bed. But not on my watch.

        “Well fuck you then,” I said, a little louder than I probably should have, with everyone around us trying to sleep. But I didn't care. “After everything we've been through this summer, call me crazy but I… I thought we were friends.”

        I finished this thought by furiously wiping my face with my arm, wetting it with the tears that I hadn't realized were there until they began to cloud my vision. I turned to leave.

         “It’s funny,” I choked bitterly, “I’ve always thought I was supposed to be the smart guy. But I was so, so stupid.”

 

~~~

 

        When Max found me later that night, I had thought I was done crying. I was positive that I'd dried up every emotional well in my body and that seeing him again wouldn't affect me at all. But I was wrong.

       He didn't say a word, at first, his sad, guilty, puppy-dog eyes trained on my now pathetically sobbing form as he made his way over to me. But once he'd sat down on the damp wooden dock, hugging his knees to his chest in a way that somehow made him appear smaller and weaker, he finally uttered a soft sound.

       “I'm sorry, Neil.”

 

       He still wasn't looking at me, just gazing out at the endless purple waters lapping at the shore beneath us. But I supposed it was better than nothing.

        For what felt like hours, I sat, listening to the gentle waves, feeling like the two of us were wading neck-deep in a pool of things we hadn't said. The pressure was weighing on my throat, begging me to get out and fix this. But I couldn’t. I didn't know how.

        And to my surprise, Max stayed. All the while he remained, unmoving, by my side. I could have sworn I saw his hand tentatively inch closer to where mine was resting, but for all I knew it was only a trick of the light. I felt myself wanting to smile.

       “Max?”

       “Hm?”

        “What are you thinking?”

        “I don't know, just… thinking, I guess.”

         I outright laughed. A quiet, strained, dry-mouthed laugh. If there was ever a time to start over, it was now.

        “You know you can't keep doing this, right?”

       He picked at the wood grain beneath his fingers, not looking up.

        “I don't know what you're talking about.”

        Liar.

         "Max, sleep deprivation has been linked to serious health problems, like high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes, and-"

        He scoffed and I cut my speech short, surprised. I watched his expression start to change, becoming more and more annoyed. A defense mechanism, I was sure.

        "Of course. Fucking leave it to you to bring up the science shit."

         "Yeah, but this is serious."

         "I know. But didn't you ever consider that I know the consequences and I'm just fucking ignoring them?”

         To be perfectly honest, yes. Max had always struck me as more grown-up than most his age, but he undoubtedly had his fair share of immature and completely inconsiderate tendencies. Like knowingly putting his own health at risk, despite attempted help from his friends, for instance.

        "Spoken like a true child,” I said.

        I knew I was adding fuel to the fire that was smoldering between us. I knew I was only helping to rekindle our earlier argument, when we had been so close to a resolution. But I didn't try to hide the resentment dripping from my voice. I was angry, and it was his fault. All of it.

        "When are you gonna fucking get it?” I screamed, my voice breaking.

         I was standing now, fists clenched tight by my sides as I glared down at him.

         “What?”

         A beat of silence, while I mustered my courage.

          “For fuck's sake.” The buzzing of cicadas was loud in my ears, but nearly drowned out by the erratic thudding of my heart.

        “I.. I like you, Max.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, this chapter was just really freaking hard to write haha I've never written a fight before, so I hope I did it right???? Anyway bye see u next time for some more ANGST


	5. Standstill

         I couldn't see Nikki’s face, but I felt her sadness and disappointment hanging over the room, thick and heavy like an early morning fog.

        I wondered how it must feel for her to watch someone else's life fall apart.

      She sighed.

       “You have to talk to him at some point.”

       “No I don't.”

       “Yes you do.”

       “Mmph.”

        I pulled the blankets tighter around me, gripping the corners like it was the apocalypse and they were the last bits of food left on Earth. If I never came out again, it would be too soon.

        Nikki didn't speak. I knew what she was doing, using the silent method. Trying to get me to crack. Well I was standing my ground. I had meant it when I told her that I was not moving, ever. I would lay in this bed until the end of summer if it meant I didn't have to talk to Max again. Or David, for that matter. Anyone but him.

        “What about David? Do you want me to go get him?”

        God damn it, Nikki.

        “No! Don't! If I talk to him, he'll- he'll know I'm...” 

        I didn't finish. I couldn't. But she knew what I meant. I'd been fighting it my whole life, but from the moment I'd met her Nikki had seen through me like glass and never said a word. I still hadn't thanked her for that.

        A fresh tear welled up in the corner of my eye, and for the hundredth time that day, I mentally cursed my own emotions. I didn't know what was happening in my heart, but I knew that it hurt. And that I was absolutely not ready to face the world until I'd worked this out.

        “Okay, okay…” She said, sounding gentler. Shit, she must've heard me sniffling. I wiped my eyes hastily and buried my face deeper in the pillow.

        “I'll just tell David and Gwen you're sick again, all right?” 

        I nodded gratefully in response, not wanting to speak. Then she left, and I was alone.

 

        Hours passed, and I didn't move. I didn't eat, even when Nikki snuck a piece of her lunch in the door of the tent at midday. I didn't move, and Max didn't visit.

        I didn't know what I expected him to do, honestly, but it sure as hell wasn't to avoid me altogether. I pictured his face as I'd seen it last night, as I stood shouting at him on the dock. The only way I could think to describe it was… confused. He hadn't had time to react to what I'd just said before I was turning on my heel and walking back to camp as fast as my wobbly legs would take me, but I would give anything to know what he's done after I was gone. Had he laughed? Cried? Had he decided to start ignoring me right then and there? But, I thought, then again, maybe I was being too dramatic. I wasn't about to go out of my way to find him, either. So I supposed we were at a standstill.

        And stand still things did, until late in the afternoon, when I heard a familiar voice outside the tent yell a cheery good-bye to Max, who didn't reply.

        “Neil, oh my god,” she said excitedly, ducking in. “You should have been there- quartermaster accidentally killed this bear and its whole pack showed up to fight, and it was like, POW POW, BOOM, KA-BLAMMO!” She mimed a violent fistfight between herself and an invisible, ten-foot-tall bear, the bed squeaking loudly as she bounced around. I did feel jealous, watching her, wishing I could have been enjoying myself all day instead of holed up in the tent feeling sorry for myself. Wishing I didn't care so deeply about anything. But I did. And it was costing me everything.

        “Sounds fun.”

        “It was! Oh, and that gross fish thing we saw on the wall of the mess hall? Turns out that was actually another one of Gwen's failed relationships…”

        I smiled. I had thought that I hated socializing, but I had spent so much time alone today that it was actually kind of refreshing to feel like I was part of the chaos and adventures again. Until she dropped the other shoe.

        “But now that I think of it, Max was acting kind of weird.”

        “Of course he was,” I mumbled dejectedly, my carefree happiness fading instantly. “His best friend just fucking told him he had a crush on him.”

        I rolled over, both to prove a point and because I didn't want to face Nikki in case I started crying again. She chewed on her response for a moment, thinking it over before finally saying, 

       “I think you should talk to him.” 

       Wow, big surprise. Stop the fucking presses, Nikki.

         “Really.”

       I rolled my eyes.

         “Really!”

         “ _ Really.” _

__ “Yes! Honestly, Neil! If you just lay here all day, nothing is going to change.”

        She let out a breath. I was silent. Outside, something flew by, wings flapping loudly.

         It took a lot more effort than I was ready to admit for me to muster up the courage to continue. It was pathetic, but any mention of how I was feeling right now threatened to make me break down again, and after I'd worked so hard to build myself back up.

        “Maybe… maybe I don't want anything to change. Maybe I can't handle things getting any worse.” I said quietly.

        “He asked about you, you know.”

         I turned, and saw her staring at the floor. She didn't look like she was lying. But why..?

          “He did?”

          “Yeah, but he told me if I breathed a word of it to you he'd rip my guts out,” she laughed. I did too.

         It was the second time this summer that I had thought this, but damn. Max did have emotions. Somewhere under that hoodie and wall of pessimism was a really great kid, and so far I seemed to be one of the only people who'd seen it. And because it was just my luck, I had to go and fall in love with it.

        Nikki leaned back on her hands, and spoke warmly, like a therapist about to prescribe me antidepressants for the first time.

         “So… tomorrow?”

         I softened. Maybe she was right. I did need to get up and face Max again. And besides, I might go crazy if I spent another day in this tent.

        “Tomorrow.” 

        She turned off the light.

 

~~~

 

        I knew it wasn't the chirping of the birds that woke me up, but I blamed them anyway. The first thing I noticed was that Nikki wasn't in her bed, which didn't alarm me, as I had known for a while that she was a morning person, but it did mean that I was going to have to walk to the mess hall alone.

         I closed my eyes as I stepped out, wanting to feel the cool breeze hit my face and hoping it would somehow make me feel braver. But no sooner had I taken a breath and opened them again than a voice to my right suddenly made my head snap up.

        “Good morning! Beautiful day, isn't it?”

        Preston. Of course he was fully alert at this time of day, I thought. But why was he talking to me?

        It wasn't until I had turned to face Preston, ready to answer, that I realized someone else was standing there. I hadn't seen him because he'd been silent, standing disinterestedly with his hands in his hoodie pockets. But then he spoke.

       “No, not really.”

       My breath stopped for a moment. He looked at me. Shit, this was really happening. 

         This was my chance to change everything. To finally write my own story. Come on, Neil, say something cool.

         “Uh.. hi, Max.”

         Nailed it. I drew a shaky breath.

        “We need to talk.”


	6. Talk

        “Uh… hi, Max. We need to talk.”

        His expression changed so subtly that I almost didn't notice: fleeting confusion, then recognition. He swallowed.

       “Okay.. yeah.”

       “Do you want to..” I trailed off, motioning toward the woods. If we were going to have this talk, I certainly didn't want it to be in front of Preston. I didn’t think I could take seeing another embarrassing event from my life reenacted on stage with shitty props and costumes. No, if we were going to talk, it had to be alone. But unfortunately for me, Max apparently thought differently.

       “I don't think that's necessary. Besides, breakfast is starting soon, and if we don't get there early, there's definitely going to be bugs in it.” 

      I shivered at the thought. Ever since that day two weeks ago, when we'd decided to goof around before dinner and were subsequently greeted with mosquito-and-fly- sprinkled mashed potatoes, Max, Nikki, and I had made sure never to be late to another one of quartermaster’s meals. Of course, Nikki had been delighted at the chance to be allowed to eat bugs, but Max and I had bonded that night over our mutual hatred of the camp. Or, at least, I’d thought we had. But everything was different now. Instead of laughing and joking together on our way to the mess hall, we were standing in the grass, silent, each hoping the other would say something- anything- so that things would get better and we could move on. We existed in our own little pocket of universe, where nothing was quite right.

        The sun was beginning to peek over the trees, tinting the sky pink and making me squint. It was beautiful, I thought. Maybe the kind of beautiful that I never would have seen if I'd gone to science camp like I'd planned. Maybe the kind of beautiful that made me glad I'd come here after all, and made me feel like everything was going to be okay.

        My opportunity came after a minute or two, when Preston, who had walked off some time earlier, was completely (hopefully) out of earshot. I took the chance.

       “I uh… long time no see.” A pathetic attempt at a conversation starter, but it wasn't nothing. I could work with this.

       “Yeah. You’ve been sick, huh?” He was trying- I appreciated that. He stuck his hands in his pockets. I nodded and put on a goofy grin.

       “Mm-hm. Did you miss me?”

       “God, Neil.” He was laughing, I thought; That was good. “Don't be such a faggot.”

      I drew back jarringly and watched his smile fade from between my arms, instinct  forcing me to cover my face. But my mind was elsewhere. Everything was coming back at once- the bullying, the name calling, the way my dad always used to look at me, before I'd learned how to pretend. The looks that told me he'd rather have any son but me. The way my first crush had looked me in the eye, on the playground in first grade, and said the exact same words to me, spitting them out like they tasted dirty to him. Like I was dirt.

_ 'Don’t be such a faggot.’ _

      I was still staring blankly, but Max seemed to know he'd crossed a line.

      “Fuck, Neil, I'm-” he started to apologize, but I was backing away before he even made a sound. I didn't say a word. I didn't need to. He understood.

      I turned and watched my feet until I arrived where I was going, my eyes still wide and my hands sort of shaking uncontrollably. And with one hand on the mess hall door, I turned to look back across the field. I couldn't resist it, I just had to know if he had followed me. He hadn't.

     He was still standing there with his hands in his hoodie pocket, the lone blue spot in the sea of green and brown that was the campground. He didn't come to breakfast.

 

~~~

 

       It was late morning, almost lunchtime, and I was sitting, utterly defeated, on a bed in the counselors cabin. Warm sunlight was drenching the room, but I hardly felt it.

       “I just…don't get it, you know?” My eyes crossed the posters on the wall, then the floorboards, then my own shoes. “Well, I do. I mean, he's said things like this before, but not to me. It wasn't even that he was trying to be mean, it just hurt for some reason.” I let out a loud breath. “I don't know, maybe I'm being stupid.”

       David just sat and nodded for the moment, letting me speak. His red hair bobbed comedically when he moved, and he was trying to look like he was writing something on his clipboard, but he was so awful at it that I wondered why he even tried. I conceded that his presence was kind of calming though- it was hard to feel hopeless around someone so aggressively happy. Once I was done talking, he leaned forward and looked at me, putting his elbows on his knees. 

        “It's not too late to fix it, you know,” he said, matter-of-factly. He was smiling like an idiot, as always, but for the first time it struck me as charming. Of course, one could assume the state that my brain was in at the time based solely on the fact that I was talking to David at all, so maybe my judgment was skewed, but all the same I was beginning to see the man in a completely different light. 

      The moment was harshly cut short by the cabin door squealing open and shut, leaving a disgruntled-looking Gwen standing in its wake. She walked to where we were sitting, dragging her feet as if she was being forced, which, given the nature of this camp, didn't surprise me at in the least. David greeted her enthusiastically, which she ignored.

       “Look, Neil, sorry to interrupt, but there's have something I have to say to you.”

       “Fantastic. Give me a second.”

        I turned back to David.

       “Sorry, where were we... You really think I can still fix things?”

       “Of course! There's still plenty of time before the end of the summer, and it's never too late for friendship!” 

       I nodded, pretending to be deep in thought, but wondered if he would still feel the same way if he knew that Jasper was dead.

       “I still don't know why Max has been ignoring me, though. I don't know what I did to deserve that.”

      “Maybe it's not you,” Gwen interjected, exasperatedly trying to move things along. “Maybe he's fucking messed up and thinking about his own feelings and, I don't know, maybe he sent me here to talk to you because he was too much of a shit to say it himself?”

      Ah. That wasn't what I'd been expecting at all, but I was decidedly okay with that. Across from me, David looked equally shocked, but I pitched in before he could chastise Gwen about her language.

      “Did he really say all that?”

      “Yeah, more or less.” She sat down on David's bed, across from me, and put her head in her hands. “Something about not trusting himself to say it right and making everything worse... I don't know. Will you just go talk to him already?”

       She was more tired and aggravated than usual, I noticed, and looked like she hadn't slept in weeks. I wondered what Max could possibly be holding over her head that made her desperate enough to agree to be his messenger. If it had anything to do with that disgusting fish head in the mess hall, I was going to vomit. 

        “Yeah, I'll go,” I announced, more confidently than I felt. My heart was racing, the adrenaline coursing through my veins managing to carry me out of the counselors cabin, across the sloping lawns of the camp, and out into the activities field, where Gwen said he would be waiting. I felt more determined, striding purposefully across the grass, than I'd felt about anything in a long time. It was time for me to face my problems head-on, and if this odd burst of confidence was what carried me through it, then so be it. The others greeted me when I arrived, and I glanced around at them all. Dolf was painting, Preston was feverishly scribbling something in his notebook, Nerris and Harrison were fighting about something stupid… the gang was all there. Except, of course, the person I was looking for. Typical.

       “All right, Nikki, where the fuck is Max?” 

      I craned my neck to watch her nimbly scramble across a tree branch that must have been thirty feet above my head. (But I refused to think about the height- it made my head spin, and a panic attack was definitely not what I needed just then.)

        “Oh, I saw him go into the woods earlier,” she shouted down nonchalantly. 

        “Alone?”

        “Yeah, why?”

        Christ. We all knew Max could get himself into trouble in any circumstance imaginable, so why would anyone think it was a good idea to let him wander off alone? And in these woods?

       “Fuck, I'd better be going then.”

       “Okay! Good luck, Romeo!”

       “Shut up!”

~~~

 

        Blood. Blood everywhere. Fuck, where was Max? There- there. On the ground. Please don't be dead. Dear God, he looks dead. Please don't be dead.

       “Max? Max? Wake up, buddy. Wake up.”

      I had his head in my lap, desperately shaking him, hoping against hope that he would open his eyes and stand up.

       Please don't be dead.

       “Shit, shit, shit.” Nothing. No reaction. “Max, please..”

       What could I do? I couldn't save him, I didn't know what was wrong, only that his head and arm were soaking my jeans with blood. Warm blood.

        Breathe, Neil, breathe. I can’t… no air… but I have to. I have to get help. Get.. Gwen and David. Breathe.

       My head was a raging storm as I took Max's body under the arms and dragged it back the way I'd come. Shit, shit, shit. One foot in front of the other, one step at a time, Neil, you can do this. He was lighter than I'd expected- either that or the panicked adrenaline was giving me strength. Why did he have to go off alone? Oh, please God, don't let him be dead. 

        I was back at the field, or at least I thought I was, when I collapsed to my knees, sound engulfing me like a tidal wave. Were those people? Yes, bring him to a hospital, I wanted to say, but no sound came from my mouth. I felt the ground against my face. I saw nothing but blackness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wowzers. This was a tough one, fellas, let me tell you. I wrote and rewrote this chapter so many times before the idea came to me to take things in a completely different direction. A much more juicy and dramatic direction. And you can thank all the other fanfiction writers for that lol
> 
> But anyway thank you for reading this, I honestly didn't think anyone would but uhhh follow your dreams I guess?? Open a summer camp n scam people and become prime minister of Thailand yknow?


	7. Confession

       The first thing I understood was that I was alive. And that I was blinking myself awake, slumped over in the world's most uncomfortable chair. I felt the air, thick and slightly humid, and filled with the strong smell  of wood. I attributed this to the fact that I was apparently tucked away in some corner of the mess hall, where there was only one window, and it was shut.

       And there he was.

       His hair was a disheveled black mop, sticking out of the blankets that covered him and rendered his body a shapeless lump. He was on a sort of makeshift cot, something I had to assume the others had thrown together in a rush.

       He turned slightly, the sheets shifting to reveal his right arm, and I recognized the tight bandaging job immediately- it had Gwen’s name written all over it.

 

        A sudden outburst of incoherent screaming made me jump. Was he awake? Was I?

        “Max? It's just me,” I rubbed my eyes. My voice sounded croaky- how long had I been asleep?

        “Get off!”

        “I’m over here, Max.”

        He was gripping the sheet in his hands, so tightly that it drew up to hide his face, uncovering his feet. I noticed he wasn't wearing his sneakers and felt slightly comforted, betting anything that David was the one who’d insisted they be taken off. In fact, when I thought about it, I could sort of recall seeing him place the filthy shoes by the door, while Gwen laid every blanket she could find over Max, who was out cold. The memory was hazy, but I was starting to piece things together. I must have come in when they did, then fallen asleep waiting by Max’s bedside. Sort of pathetically romantic, I had to admit.

         Another scream. God, I wished he'd stop doing that. I felt my limbs stiffen and I stared, wide-eyed, at the body it had come from. No longer an unmoving lump, he was tossing over like there were ants in the cot beside him. Thoughts of getting up to help regrettably never crossed my mind, as I was so shaken, and I was glued to my stiff plastic seat. Then he was still.

         “Neil? Is that you?” He said after a moment. He was breathing heavily. I felt an invisible hand grip my heart when he spoke, but I shook it off.

        “Yeah. Are you awake?”

        “I.. think so. Why are we here? I thought I was… never mind.”

        “Well, you sort of went off into the woods alone, and when I found you I thought you were dead.” 

        “Oh.”

        I decided I really hated the chair. I stood, allowing a moment for the blood to circulate my body, and then headed for the door. He thrust a hand out to stop me.

       “Don’t leave…”

       “What?”

       “Please, Neil, I just wanna talk.” 

      All I could do was stare back, my face a mixture of confusion, fear, and something I couldn’t really name. Maybe affection?

       “What do you wanna talk about?” I sat. My feet were asleep.

       “You thought I was going to die?”

       “Of course! What else would I think, seeing you laying on the forest floor, bloody and… dead-looking?” Words were failing me, but I knew he understood what I was saying.

       “Sorry.”

       “Don’t be. I’m just glad you’re okay.”

       “Eh,” he gave a breathy laugh, and held out his bandaged arm. “If whatever this is counts as okay.”

       “It does to me.”

       “Good. I’m glad you’re okay too. It was a bear, by the way. Dunno where it came from.”

       Something in his voice made me want to do a backflip and melt into a puddle on the floor all at the same time. My heart pounded in my chest.

       “Max, I just have to say, after all this, that I’m sorry. I know I made you uncomfortable, and if there was anything I could do to go back in time and un-say what I said, I’d do it. But I can’t, and I don’t want our friendship to be ruined by my stupidity, so I just want to know if maybe we can… I don’t know. Move on?” I let out the remainder of the breath I'd apparently been holding. It was a moment before I noticed his silence and looked up, and when I did my hopeful eyes were met with his bewildered ones.

      “What? No, I don’t think we should move on. I don’t want to move on.”

      He had sat upright while I was talking, perhaps acting in an effort to alleviate the tension in the room, but in any case we were now at eye level with one another. And I didn’t know much about reading facial expressions, but his seemed sincere.

      “Why not?” I asked.

      “You don’t get it, do you?” he sighed in response. “I guess that’s my fault. I’m not good at saying… feelings. But I feel things, Neil. And I feel them hard.” His slight smile triggered mine. “I know I haven’t spoken to you in forever, and I know that was shitty of me, but if I had, I just don’t think I would’ve said the right thing.”

       “That’s why you forced Gwen to do it for you.”

       “Yeah. And that’s why I went off alone. To wait for you. Because I was going to say this then. But, of course, that had to get interrupted.”   
       “What were you going to say?” I was quite literally on the edge of my seat, my ears fixed on every word he was saying. The seconds seemed to tick on for days, me shuffling quietly over to sit on the end of the cot, and Max turning to face me, still twisting the bedsheet between his hands, working up the courage to say whatever it was he was trying to get out.

        “Don’t freak out. But I kind of really like you back. A lot.”

        I was stunned. My mouth hung open, but didn’t make a sound. I knew I had to say something, but my brain was refusing to provide me with words.

        “You’re serious?” I finally squeaked out.

        “Maybe.”

        “Maaax…”

        “Okay, I’m serious!” We were grinning at one another, equally due to both the humor and the discomfort of admitting our feelings to one another. It felt good, though, to have all my cards on the table for once in my life.

         “What does that mean? For us?” I wondered aloud. I was really only talking to myself, but Max seemed to be taking it as a personal challenge. 

        “Fuck’s sake, Neil…”He leaned forward on the bed. His face was an inch from mine, and I felt his warm breath on my cheeks. Instinct would normally have told me to move away by now, but somehow, just this once, I overrode it. 

          “It means I want to kiss you, dumbass.”

          I was frozen to the spot, hardly believing this was real. Holy  _ shit. _

           “..Is that okay?” He was so close. I could hardly breathe. but I felt my head nod to him, almost on its own. He smiled, and I melted instantly, bridging the gap between us.

          Warmth flooded my body the instant we collided, seemingly radiating from his skin. It was unlike anything I'd ever felt. He put his hand on my knee. I shivered. I stayed. I was enveloped in his scent, which felt distinctly sky-blue, like his hoodie pocket. Calming.

         I expected it to be the way it always was in the movies; a quick, clumsy peck that would end up missing its mark. That was how first kisses were supposed to be, right? But in truth it seemed to go on and on, only ending at all because I pulled away, breathless and unsure of what to do next. I was a mess, my mind racing with thoughts of how soft his lips had been, and how much I already missed the feeling of them on mine. 

         “You have no idea how long I've been wanting to do that,” Max said softly. I couldn't help but chuckle.

       “ _ You? _ I've liked you since the second we met. I think  _ you _ have no idea how long  _ I've  _ waited.”

        He smiled, but I could feel him withdraw slightly, looking at his hands rather than me.

       “I'm sorry I made you wait, Neil. If I'm being honest I wanted to kiss you the moment you said you liked me, out there on the dock. I guess I just had issues I had to work out before I was ready.”

       “It's all right,” I replied. And it was true- I'd forgiven him even before he'd done anything at all. “I know what you mean. I never thought you'd like me back, though. I was positive you hated me and you were, like, homophobic or whatever.”

        “Sorry,” he repeated. “Not that this is an excuse, but I really wasn't brought up knowing that it was okay that I...liked guys. I thought if I suppressed it, it would go away.” He let out a laugh. “And now look at me.”

         “Yeah,” I agreed quietly. “If my dad saw us right now, he'd probably disown me.”

           I didn't have much time to sulk, though, before Max was leaning in once again and pressing his lips to mine, this time wrapping his arms around me in a hug. I was surprised, but sank into the embrace. Nothing else mattered, except this room, this camp, and these two idiots, somehow pulled together despite everything the world tried to throw at them. Our fingers intertwined, his migrated to my hair, mine to his. We were as close as we could possibly be, like we'd been doing this forever. I supposed, in a way, we had.

 

        Outside the door, there were footsteps.


	8. Endings, Beginnings

Nikki snorted into her mashed potatoes. I watched a piece fall onto my tray but said nothing.

“What?” Max demanded, indignant. Red flushed his cheeks.

“Nothing, nothing. Carry on.” Nikki tried in vain to contain her grin.

To my dismay, I felt him let go of my hand under the table and grumpily stab his fork into his food. Nikki pretended to go back to eating her dinner, but made a point of looking from Max to me and back again, raising her eyebrows. It only took a moment before I knew I had to jump in and change the subject before her eyeballs fell out of her head.

“So,” I started, painfully awkward. “Who do you think let in all those bees yesterday?”

Nikki proceeded to completely ignore me.

“No, I'm serious,” she laughed, “I think it's cute when you two act all couple-y!”

This remark earned her a deadly glare from Max, who muttered something that sounded like “shut the fuck up” and continued eating. She only laughed.

“ _I_ think it was Nurf,” I said pointedly, but by that point I knew neither of them was listening. They were just glaring at each other over the table, Nikki still barely containing a grin and Max all flustered and insecure. Honestly, it was kind of cute.

There was no pretending that everything was normal, though. I knew that much. Everything about this place had changed for me the moment I’d let my true feelings out. I felt like an enormous weight had been lifted from me, but at the same time like I was fully unarmed, just bracing myself to be gunned down by the other campers at any time. I’d seen how everyone had lost their shit at the sight of Max with a teddy bear- what was I to expect now that we’d progressed to public hand-holding? God, I didn’t even want to think about it.

Max excused himself from the table a moment later and started to make his way toward the bathrooms. I prayed to every deity I could think of that Nikki wouldn’t say something stupid while he was gone. But I could immediately tell from the way she was staring at me, wide-eyed like a child in a candy store, that my wish would not come true.

“So…” She drawled sweetly. I rolled my eyes.

“Don't you dare say 'I told you so'.”

“...Well I _did_.”

“Oh my god.”

She looked in that moment the same way she had when I’d first met her, that afternoon on the bus. Watching the landscape of buildings turn into trees and sky as the sounds of the sputtering engine and the rattling windows surrounded her. The same excitable, naïve kid. I imagined she was naming mine and Max's children right now.

“Can I at least tell David?”

“No, Nikki! You swore you wouldn't say a word about it to anyone else.”

“Yeah, but we didn’t even do a blood pact or anything! ...Please?”

“No! And don’t look at me like that!” I forced myself to look away- the puppy-dog eyes weren't going to get me this time.

“But _why?_ ” she whined. I didn't answer. She knew my reasons.

By the time Max returned to the table, she and I weren't speaking at all, and admittedly it was a suspicious kind of quiet, but being me I happened to enjoy a bit of quiet when I could get it. I let the thump of his body landing on the seat beside me break the silence.

He looked at me, then at the wall opposite us. His eyes went wide.

“Woah, Nikki, the fuck is that?” All Max had to do was point vaguely at the wall behind her, and Nikki whipped around like a dog who’d seen a squirrel. I, of course, saw exactly what she saw, that is to say nothing of interest, except for maybe Quartermaster picking his nose, but when i felt a warm set of fingers weave between mine, out of sight, and the body next to me shift closer, I realized what he was doing. And I couldn't have been happier.

 

~~~

I sighed loudly at the tent ceiling. The ceiling didn't respond, of course, but I wasn't in a mind to care. I had no idea what time it was, but I could feel that it was late, and at any rate it was later than I should've been awake. But there I was, staring upwards and grinning like an idiot, too flooded with adrenaline to relax. I couldn’t stop replaying the feeling of his lips on mine, and the way my heart flipped over and over in my chest when he leaned against me and didn’t move. I remembered the caramel-haired boy from my old summer camp. Remembered how he’d made me feel like this too. The only difference now was that the affection was mutual. And that there was no way in hell I was telling my dad about this one. And that felt so good.

“Neil, what are you doing up?”

I started. _Jesus christ, Max._ I mentally slapped myself for sighing so loudly. I certainly didn’t need him to know I was too infatuated with him to sleep.

“I don't know,” I shot back. “What are _you_?”

“Good point.” We lay in silence for a time, but then, after a moment's pause, it hit me.

“Wait.. you weren't going to sneak out again, were you?”

I turned to face him, my sheets swishing and the bedspring squeaking as I moved. Max stayed where he was, laying on his back and looking anywhere but me.

“No,” he said simply.

“Okay, that's good. Then go to sleep.”

I tried willing my body to feel tired. How was it that I never noticed the cacophony of insects buzzing in the forest until I was about to fall asleep? I shut my eyes as tightly as they would go, and curled up under the covers like a dog. No luck.

“Neil?”

“Mm?”

“I can't sleep.”

“You either, huh?” I laughed to myself. “What, you miss me too much?”

“Maybe,” he muttered back quietly.

Damn. He wasn’t joking. I was so shocked that for a moment, I couldn’t speak. But then, somewhere deep in my gut, a wave of confidence arose.

“I think I can fix that.”

I immediately regretted saying it, especially in that weird, suggestive tone. But he fired back.

“I’d like to see you try.”

And suddenly, I had no choice. I slid out of my cot and shuffled over until I could crawl onto his, pulling the blankets over my legs and laying as closely to him as possible. _Don't mess this up, Neil._

I felt him settle into me in reciprocation, and I relaxed. He was so warm. I lay on my side and put a hand on his chest. I felt him laugh.

“What?”

“Nothing, it's just… I love you, you big dork.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” He turned to face me, his face inches away, his hot breath on my cheeks. “Don't be so surprised.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're here reading this, thank you! I'll definitely write more stupid things in the future <3


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